Month: September 2015
How to Attract and Maintain an Authentic Loving Relationship
When it comes to dating and relationships it would be fair to assume that a kind, generous and thoughtful person has the best chances of success in love. Yet, as we know it’s often not the case. You may be one of those people and might be asking yourself, “Why can’t I succeed in attracting and maintaining a loving relationship?” Here are 4 questions meant to give you insights on what needs to heal in order to attract and maintain an authentic loving relationship.
#1 Are you coming from a place of love or a place of fear of rejection?
Often people say and do all the right things to attract and maintain a loving relationship. However what’s important to realize is that what you say and do has little to do with how others perceive you. What people perceive and buy into is how you feel about yourself. Are you coming from a place of fear of rejection? When that’s the case, your kind acts and words read as such. The message sent is, “I don’t love myself so please love, want and desire me…” The desperation behind your actions is evidence of your lack of self-love. When deep down inside you don’t believe that you are worthy then others pick up on that idea as well. The love and affection that you so desperately seek is denied. You see, people with a healthy sense of self don’t want to have to carry the burden of your lack of self-love – they seek a loving relationship, not one where they have to satisfy the needs of an insecure person. Your task then is to recognize your worthiness of love despite your imperfections and shortcomings. From there you can begin to approach others from a place of love instead of a place of fear of rejection.
#2 Are you setting healthy boundaries?
Boundaries are the foundation of all relationships. When we are at peace with who we are we choose relationships that nurture that state of being. We welcome in our lives people that contribute to the expansion of our internal state of peace and joy. We also choose to leave out those who create disharmony within ourselves and who dishonor who we are. On a subconscious level, individuals who feel unworthy of love and respect allow disrespect. They recognize abusive behavior in people yet are unable to set healthy boundaries when the abuse is directed towards them. This is because subconsciously they feel undeserving of the love that they seek. Which means, “If I’m unworthy of love then I’m worthy of everything that resonates with its absence, meaning disrespect, neglect, being taken advantage of etc.” Only you can set the standards as to what’s acceptable or not and it’s based on how you feel about yourself. If you don’t feel deserving then you’ll get what you feel that you deserve –the absence of love. Your job then is to recognize how worthy you are, despite how others have made you feel in the past. That’s what needs to heal.
#3 Are you being authentic?
True authentic people are self-assured. They have a positive, stable sense of self, impervious to the critics of others. They don’t feel the need to play games of seduction, or to attempt to manipulate people to gain positive attention. Seeking external validation to confirm how attractive, valuable, and worthy they are is unnecessary; they already have an internal sense and conviction of their worthiness of love. Pleasing others and saying the right thing to be accepted and included isn’t part of their agenda. By being honest and upfront about their feelings and values, they establish the foundation for the possibility of a genuine relationship to take root. It takes a lot of courage to be authentic as the fear of rejection and of hurting others often takes precedent over the need to be truthful. However let’s keep in mind that as we become more authentic we can begin to attract people who honor who we are, and we can then more easily leave out those who don’t. We stop building resentment and wasting time nurturing the wrong relationships to welcome genuine love.
#4 Are you taking ownership of your experience?
Taking ownership of your experience means recognizing that how you feel about yourself isn’t defined by other people’s opinions. John devotes time, efforts and energy into nurturing his relationship. After giving the best of himself to his significant other, he discovers that she’s been having an affair. He’s devastated by the betrayal and chooses to leave the relationship. The story doesn’t end there for John. This traumatic experience continues today to negatively impact how he feels about himself and about relationships in general. When we identify with how other people treat us, our sense of self gets defined by their actions, not our own. They now have power over us.
For John the affair from his previous relationship continues to make him feel that despite all of his efforts and devotion, he’s unworthy of love and respect. What’s important to understand is that when a person betrays and disrespects you, all this says is something about that person’s character. It says nothing about you being deserving of “betrayal and disrespect”. In most cases people stay wounded because they continue to identify with the actions and words of people that have hurt them in the past. As a result, because they carry baggage, meaning resentment, and their negative sense of self into their next relationship, love continues to elude them. Healing takes place through true forgiveness, when we’re able to recognize our worthiness despite how others have made us feel in the past. In doing so, we take ownership of our experience, which means that we no longer let people’s bad actions and words define our sense of self. Once healing takes place on that level, we can begin to welcome genuine love in our lives.
Conclusion
There’s so much more to write about when it comes to relationships, but I’ll leave you instead with these 4 questions to ponder. Simply said the success of attracting and maintaining a loving relationship depends upon our ability to heal the negative beliefs, perceptions and feelings that prevent us from recognizing how deserving and worthy of love we truly are. It’s about acknowledging at a profound level that we are worthy despite our perceived shortcomings and imperfections. It’s about prioritizing an inner state of peace and joy by working on developing attributes that nurture that state. Attributes like patience, resiliency, humor, the ability to forgive and let go, strength, determination, courage etc. When we honor and value that part of ourselves above the superficial, we gain self-assurance and self-respect. We are then empowered to be authentic, to establish healthy boundaries with others, to take ownership of our experiences and to welcome genuine love in our lives. Looking at your past relationships and using the questions above, you can identify where healing needs to take place in order to attract genuine love. Take comfort in knowing that a well-trained therapist can help you in this process.
© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2015. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA.
I've been thinking.. . 